This week I haven’t got a post. Life got in the way. However, I do have this decidedly off topic piece I prepared to celebrate passing my first half-century. It was my birthday this weekend. Here’s what I’ve learned from 50 years of living. I hope you enjoy it.
50 Years of Wisdom with Darren
1. Never fall in love with a stripper. If you fall in love with a stripper, don’t buy her new boobs. If you buy her new boobs, make sure you have touching privileges.
2. Scotch from China is not Scotch.
3. Never answer when your wife asks, “How does my _______ look in these ______ ?”
4. Always buy a couch that’s long enough to sleep on.
5. Karaoke is never a good idea. If you can’t avoid it, then own it. Sing loud, proud and off key.
6. That hot Thai chick with the Adam’s apple is a dude.
7. Go to 2nd base. She’s likely the most beautiful woman you’ll ever get, but avoid 3rd base – it’s frightful.
8. Middle aged white men can’t twerk.
9. Writing your name in the snow looks better after taking your vitamins.
10. 18-24 year old Asian girls really are better.
11. Don’t play sports – there’s no upside.
12. Hone a vacant disposition. It’ll serve you well in all your endeavors.
13. Spare no sympathy for vegetarians. It’s their own damn fault.
14. Don’t piss into the wind. (Same advice goes for puking).
15. Your ultra-healthy friend is just as likely to die as you, probably over their post-workout non-fat, no foam, chai soy latte. That’s no way to go.
16. Any penis worth its salt deserves a cool nickname.
17. If you’re doing what everyone else is doing, you’re doing the wrong thing.
18. Perfectionism is an inability to prioritize.
19. Bacon is good on everything.
20. Alcohol is a temporary solution only if you stop drinking.
21. Marry a woman who makes less money than you. There’s less pressure to compensate in the bedroom.
22. My wife did not settle. She compromised. It’s different.
23. I’ve never met a happy couple where the husband is smarter than the wife.
24. Edible panties are best eaten straight out of the package.
25. Telling your love that her eyes are deep and piercing like two piss-holes in the snow (high-romance in Canada) does not translate well into Chinese.
26. When you get married don’t let your wife throw away all her g-strings. (She’ll want to).
27. Don’t stop your friend if he is about to unwittingly pee on an electric fence. (High-quality free entertainment is hard to find). Don’t stand behind him.
28. The problem with being a conservative is that you’re always on the wrong side of history. Time never flows backwards.
29. Single ply toilet paper builds character.
30. Salad is not food. It’s what food eats.
31. Men, don’t be embarrassed about your cleavage.
32. Men have difficulty expressing their emotions in words. Say it with interpretive dance. Chicks love that.
33. I once dated a Vogue model. There’s no deeper meaning to this entry. I just want everyone to know.
34. Skirts are best for car sex. Bing, bang, boom, and you’re back at the mall.
35. The problem with women is they always think you have potential. Potential for what?!?
36. If you find yourself shopping for vegetarian cookbooks as part of a grand scheme to get into some hottie’s pants, just walk away. It’s not worth it.
37. It takes a lot of time to do nothing.
38. Listen to no sense; speak no sense; anything less would be wasting the privilege of being old.
39. Strive to be just slightly above average in all that you do. Under-performing brings stress. Over-performing brings more [unpaid and under-appreciated] responsibilities, work, and stress. Just slightly better than average – that’s your sweet spot.
40. Women like it sweet; men like it dirty; and never the twain shall meet.
41. Don’t try to sit on a squat toilet.
42. Date pessimists – they don’t expect much.
43. Never give the object of your affection a romantic gift basket of deodorant. It seems no different than soap, bath oil, and perfume – yet it is (apparently).
44. When flying, always ask the head stewardess where and when that plane’s chapter of The Mile High Club is meeting, because you just never know.
45. Trans fats are the best fats.
46. The squeaky wheel is annoying.
47. If I could travel back to 1978, I’d kiss Wendy Hayes right on the playground. If she beat the crap out of me – so be it.
48. Smooth is good; honest is better.
49. Kissing was invented to prevent guys from saying something stupid right when they have the most to lose.
50. When you’re married, hotel sex is the closest thing you can get to the excitement of a new partner – doing it on a different bed, in front of a strange chair, while looking deeply into a mirror you’ve never seen before.
51. Peeing in the woods – macho good times. Pooping in the woods – just plain disgusting.
52. A great head of hair can hide most other social failings. Always use conditioner (f*ck Pert+, a separate conditioner – condition like a millionaire).
53. Never argue with a women, instead patiently explain to her why you’re right. That’s chivalry.
54. At formal functions, business meetings, PTA gatherings, job interviews, etc. follow church rules (i.e. put your booze in a thermos).
55. “That’s what she said,” is not witty repartee when talking to the female judge hearing your case.
56. Despite what your mother says, all the cool kids do not wear bedazzled slacks to high school.
57. When ending a long term relationship always put a puppy with heart eyes emoji at the end of the text. That’s class!
58. Only sleep with people crazier than you. I’m not sure this is really good advice, but it always seems to work out that way, so you may as well embrace it and try to enjoy the ride.
59. If everything seems to be going well at work, you’re out of the loop.
60. Should you find yourself at a hair waxing salon, in a curious/adventurous/metrosexual mood – do not try the “Between the Cheeks” special.
61. If you do, have Johnny Cash’s cd queued up. The lyrics to Burning Ring of Fire will never be more personally meaningful.
62. A full Brazilian will not make your penis look larger.
63. Paradoxically, Brazilian barbecue makes it look like you have more meat.
64. Your parent’s stupidity is inversely proportional to your maturity.
65. Look upon the world with wry humor in your heart and a smirk on your face, for then the world will never disappoint you.
66. Yogi Bear 3D is the movie of our generation.
67. The advantage to dating young women (besides the obvious) is they can’t tell the difference between intriguing and fucked up.
68. Black and white is for the young, when you get older you find only hard and harder decisions.
69. Skidmark is not as cool a nickname as it sounds.
70. If life hands you lemons, buy salt and tequila.
71. Even people who are total shits may have an underlying good; even a turd can contain a kernel of corn.
72. The microbial flora in your intestines has more to do with happiness than your bank account.
73. A baculum might be nice.
74. When one has a penis such as mine, one does not do dishes.
75. When you reach 50 you can no longer distinguish between the hip trends and the ones that are just stupid. Frankly, it’s a relief.
76. Young children are an unending source of joy and wonder for fifteen minutes.
77. You realize how insignificant you are when you pee in the ocean.
78. You can’t ruin a friendship with sex, that’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.
79. Moody self-obsession is only attractive in men who can play guitar.
80. You can lead your mother to the dough, but you can’t make her pinch perogies.
81. Never throw away (delete for you young whipper snappers) porn.
82. I haven’t got a problem with God, it’s his fans that annoy me.
83. Men don’t like taking instructions unless it involves really complex lingerie.
84. If you forget your wife’s birthday – don’t panic. You can make a romantic handcrafted gift from easily available household items. With just a pair of her old panties and scissors you can create a lovely pair of crotchless panties.
85. Whatever happens in Bangkok doesn’t count.
86. The best way out is by going through.
87. Faster horses; younger women; older whisky; and more money. That’s what it’s all about.
88. I don’t care what you’re excuse is – grandma panties are never okay.
89. At least once in your life you need to rock a unitard.
90. Believe or don’t believe; you can only follow the path your senses reveal to you.
91. If a woman is dressed in such a way as to expose half her boobs and I look – I’m the pervert. If I expose myself and a woman looks – I’m the pervert.
92. Marriage brings many positive changes if you keep an open mind. For example, when we got married my wife insisted that we buy a second towel. I thought she was crazy. Now I like it – very opulent. It’s nicer than using the bath mat.
93. Never regret the stupid things you’ve done; regret the stupid things you could have done.
94. Rum is a natural laxative. Do with that what you may.
95. It’s only kinky the first time.
96. Never make snow angels in a dog park.
97. You get all the greens you need from grass fed beef.
98. Everything in life truly worth doing can be done in the shower.
99. Never take two steps when one will do. If that leaves surplus free time, that’s why God invented sofas.
100. Never miss the chance to do something nice for your fellow man in a really dickish way. Doing good pleases the soul. Being a dick thrills the id.
101. All I know is there’s more than I know.