Monthly Archives: April 2020

Expat Life

Male-Male vs Female-Male

I’ve been distracted by the covi-plague, but it’s time for me to get back to my bread and butter—writing about nothing. That’s my sweet spot.

As mentioned in Expat Friendships developing deep companionships as an expat is difficult. The problem extends to expat-Taiwanese interactions, though for different reasons. I’ve been here a long time. Most of my friends and acquaintances are Taiwanese. I have some wonderful female friends; but guys, not so much. I have actually actively sought male friends, largely unsuccessfully.

When I was single, I was aware of the problem, but not much bothered. I had an army of female friends. If I wanted to see a movie, go dancing, have coffee, take a trip I knew the perfect companion. Beyond my obvious sexiness—to know me is to need a change of panties—there were other appeals for Taiwanese women in having an intercultural friendship.

Twenty or more years ago there was a distinct coolness factor in having a foreign friend. Look, I’m international, I can function in the wider world. However, familiarity breeds contempt, with a passel of foreigners on every corner now, perceptions of our suavity have slipped. But still, we retain some appeal. Many women enjoy communicative activities and language learning. Foreign friends are a great way to practice these skills. That’s why the whole language exchange thing was such a great fiddle for finding dates. It was useless for learning Chinese, but awesome for the social life. Still works, but not as well.

Great, right!?!

Not totally. From my earliest days here I’ve focused more on developing Taiwanese friendships than expat friendships. I hoped to gain cultural insights and smooth the transition into Taiwanese society. It worked, but I ended up with all female friends, any guy friends were expats.

As much as Taiwanese women may enjoy intercultural friendships, most Taiwanese men find them wearisome for much the same reasons. What guy wants the annoyance of communicating through a haze of cultural misunderstandings and worse—in English? It’s like doing extra credit in school long after graduation.

As an illustrative anecdote, years ago I was at the site of a traffic accident where a car struck a scooter. I went running up to assist. The scooter driver was on his back, on the asphalt, looking surprisingly chill—until he saw me, when genuine panic Took over. He started sliding on his bum away from me, pushing himself with his hands and uninjured leg, while agitatedly saying, “No English,… no English”. I tried to calm him, but he wasn’t having it. The perfect metaphor for my attempts at friendship with Taiwanese guys.

Also, I was twenty-nine when I arrived in Taiwan. By that age guys have their circle of friends and generally aren’t looking to expand. I found there were simply less opportunities for developing male-male friendships with Taiwanese.

The feeling was a bit mutual. I didn’t seem to have much in common with most Taiwanese men. The ones I met didn’t have a lot of hobbies or interests. They just wanted to talk about their jobs and stock portfolios. The Taiwanese stock market was really booming at that time, and guys were deeply fascinated by how well they were doing. Not a great conversation.

The downside relying heavily on XX chromosome friendships became manifest when I got married. I lost all my friends when I tried cleaning out the non-platonics.  Turns out all the female friends I’d accumulated over a dozen years weren’t as conversant with Plato’s canon as my wife would’ve preferred. Somehow I’d failed to notice that even my purest friendships were less than transcendent.

Marriage may have closed a beautiful door, but it did open a less comely window. I’ve developed some male acquaintances from among my wife’s guy friends. They’re forced to interact with me. Before marriage I had one true Taiwanese guy friend, after marriage maybe two—I have a pretty strict definition of true friendship—and a  handful of acquaintances.

I think the situation I’m describing is no longer. Younger Taiwanese men seem more open to developing international friendships. And, the plethora of foreigners living in Taiwan means Taiwanese women have more chances for cross-cultural friendships and language practice should they desire. Now a moderate looking foreign guy is unlikely to find himself with such a stack of female friends, at least not without considerable effort. I suppose these changes are one  impact of globalization. It’s an improvement.

I have no idea if long-term female expat experiences are analogous, and they also find it easier to develop friendships with Taiwanese women. I’m going to guess it’s similar, but less extreme.

Society & Culture

Life and Love in the Age of the Coronavirus

Comparing Western culture’s rugged individualism, America being the extremist example, versus the communitarian values of Asian societies is an overdone trope among cultural writers. I can’t believe I haven’t waddled into these waters. Just because it is a stereotype doesn’t mean it’s untrue.

I’ve watched with dismay Western countries response to COVID-19. Each seeming to fail, or occasionally succeed, along predictable cultural lines. The slowness of Italy and Spain to get their gregarious  street life locked down. What is either without its cafes, alfresco restaurants, and street fairs? In the early days of the lock down getting their citizens to self-isolate was like trying to force cockroaches to enter your carefully placed roach motels—they run everywhere, and do everything, but lock themselves in. Meanwhile Germans reacted like a mechanical metronome. Canadians sheepishly followed authority. All according to Hoyle.

As might be expected—the Americans went nuts, though again, along predictable lines. Admittedly, their response was hampered by poor leadership and institutions that have been gutted, but i’m just talking here about individual reactions, after people [slowly] began believing the entire world wasn’t engaging crisis actors to play an elaborate hoax aimed at discrediting President Trump. [Jeee-sus].

One of the first, most predictably American responses to the epidemic was to buy firearms, and hoard ammunition. Presumably that’s the default setting for any mass crisis. There is really only one logical reason for this. You’re not planning to protect yourself by shooting the virus out of the air. No. It only makes sense if you’re preparing to shoot your neighbors to protect your toilet paper stash.

America is arguably the most individualistically oriented Western society, and so provides a particularly extreme example of something that has been extant throughout the West’s response to the coronavirus—being concerned about individual needs before community. A lot of the poor response to COVID-19 comes down to our philosophy of rugged individualism.

I don’t need to do social-distancing. I’m young and healthy. I won’t get this thing, and if I do I’ll recover quickly. Let’s go party on the beach. Florida. Spring Break, Dudes! If I get the virus and leave a trail of death and destruction behind me, that doesn’t seem as important as my enjoying this beer. The thousands who made the pilgrimage to South Florida displayed, and sometimes verbalized, a stunning disregard for the welfare of others.

Governments aggravated the situation by asking citizens to take individual responsibility for their actions, while they kept everything open. It’s a very mixed message: You should social-distance, but if you decide not to, please enjoy our bars, eateries, and clubs. The ethos of rugged individualism extends into government—our most communitarian institution.

Largely the necessity of individually sacrificing for the community’s welfare seems to have been accepted in the West. But, the tendency to individualism still shows itself in little ways.

I had this conversation with a Taiwanese colleague: “Why don’t foreigners wear face masks?” I gave the normal Western response that surgical masks don’t protect you from the virus. She replied, “I know the mask doesn’t protect you. Still, why wouldn’t you wear it?” It protects others from your possibly virus-laden spit.

Good point. Why wouldn’t I?